When Can We Do It Again?
I’ve been holding it together for just about 4 months now. All that comes with raising two toddlers has taken precedence over absorbing what’s happened in our home. It’s had to. Survival-mode, as I’ve called it.
Overnight we’ve gone from long sits in the sauna, long soaks in the bath, long runs, long evenings to just sit and chat, long times sitting before the Lord … to military showers, early alarms, quick jaunts to dinner after the kids are asleep and the babysitter arrives, and bursts of prayer throughout our day.
The transition has required all of my mental, emotional and physical energy. While my legs haven’t hit more than 5 miles on the road, my calves are often sore from running up and down the stairs all day.
We have a new kind of normal.
In 5 days it will have been 4 months since we first wrapped our arms around Eden and Caleb and, but for the distinct differences in our family appearance, you’d never know it.
Now that I am sinking into a schedule and carving out the necessary time to process the loss of my Dad and the birth-into-our-home of these children, the gravity of God’s work is weighing heavy on my chest.
At night she continues to ask for one-more-big cuddle and he wakes up from his nap, only to be pacified by wrapping his legs around my waist and his arms around my neck. They’re wired for affection from mommy. Who could have given this to them? Did they learn this longing from being in our home … or were they waiting, hungry for cuddles and kisses, before we got them?
Then my mind goes to other places … Eden was severely malnourished when she arrived at the orphanage. Could she have made it much longer? Caleb was admitted to the hospital for a 3-week stay just after he arrived at the orphanage. Would he have survived in the great, big “out there” in this condition? Oh, God, what if they weren’t taken to the orphanage?
And then I think about us.
What if we had conceived a biological child just before beginning this adoption process? What if we had chosen the route of fertility treatments — instead of adoption (a tough decision that took months to wade through)? What if we had zipped through the process, as planned, and had received a referral for different children?
I’m living at the intersection of the divine and the ordinary. I’m cleaning up spills, doing countless loads of laundry and kissing ouchies … of children who–six months ago–had a bleak existence.
The secular world wants to look at me and Nate and say “wow, you did GOOD. what a marvelous thing you’ve done for these children.” And they do. I hear it almost weekly. And I cringe.
I have yet to come up with a brief response that illustrates the gravity of God’s work. We did NOTHING, but cry out to God out of our own (possibly selfish?) longing for a family, and for more of Him, and for His Spirit’s leading in our lives. And He cracked open His divinity and gave us a taste. And just this little sip is about enough to knock me over. Every day. When she says “mommy, stay here?” more times than I can count or he gives an unsolicited sloppy kiss followed by “I love you Mommy” I sometimes can’t breathe.
God, you let us play a part in saving them. You would have done it anyways — in one way or another. But you married our prayers–frayed around the edges–with their need.
Many have said adoption is addicting. And now I know why. I tell Nate that, at the moment, I am a dangerous woman. Because any hint I’ve had of a child in need, an orphan, tends to linger in my mind.
Where did this come from? When I was a kid, I never dreamed about being a mommy. And when I started to conceptualize married life, I would envision a family that was spaced-out in such a way that would interrupt my life and my dreams the least. Motherhood and me just didn’t seem to fit together. It seemed more of a necessary evil than something I’d actually enjoy.
Now, here I am, asking God, like a little child, when can we do it again?
This post feels like 20 others I’ve written, but I just can’t get over it. This is my testimony. The depth of the riches in God. The power of His Spirit to weave our lives with theirs. The intricate details that only He could maneuver. The beauty of aligning ourselves with Him. The sweetness of His redemption. The vigor of following Him. The reckless abandon it calls forth from me.
I hear you!! We are ready to do it again too.
you guys – I LOVE “after pictures” – they are so indicative of what love, nutrition and rest can do for a child…
I feel you on doing it again – we are – and we would love you guys to get involved with Brighton-Kennedy Foundation – dont know how or what that looks like but… our major focus is nutrition – and you guys know firsthand what that is like…
really love coming here for updates – hope all is well with your whole family…
I have so loved reading your post. We are with IAN and hoping to bring home 2 children also. I have yet to come up with something to say when people talk about how wonderful we are for what we are doing. I have began to say that no really I am just selfish. I am the one who really gets all of the benefit from this. Thanks for sharing! I continue to pray for you as you walk out the grief of losing your father.
Monica
I cringe at that – wow what a good thing you are doing or what a lucky girl she is too. I hate it. I too describe myself as being selfish. I wanted another baby and so we adopted one – it was not about doing a good thing or saving her or anything. Just about growing our family.
We are waiting for two little ones so I particularly enjoyed this post because I already find myself thinking and wondering about some of those things. I can even see us wanting to do it again, but right now that’s an overwhelming thought! Thanks for the lovely honesty you have about the way you experience God in your heart and life.
Sara,
As you know we, too, are anxious to do it again…. and I,too, had absolutely had no intention of being a mom..EVER. BUT I LOVE IT! As for a response… I say, “No, we were blessed with Payton.” It is not sufficient response to show God’s goodness, but it does share with others that we never envisioned ourselves as “saving” anyone or anything. Just God working out his plan for our little one… and we were blessed to be part of the story.
Diana
Sara,
I guess that makes me a “dangerous woman” too! We are praying the Lord would open doors for us to walk through the adoption process again in the new year! CRAZY…it can only be from God!!!
Thanks for sharing…it’s always beautiful to read!
Wow, I just had to post a comment. I just joined IAN recently & have been perusing blogs. Your words are beautiful, your heart is beautiful, your family is beautiful! It is amazing how God reveals our mommy hearts & then waits for us to embrace that calling. Sounds like you are embracing it!
Blessings ~ Dardi
http://www.hope4thewounded.blogspot.com
Sara,
I came across your blog through a friend of a friend and encouraged through your words. I am an absurdly blessed adoptee with a wonderful family but can only cringe when my parents are praised for their “good works” — I am not a charity! While I also find much encouragement in scripture such as Isaiah 1:17, James 1:27, etc, I am sorely critical of Christians who ignorantly approach adoption from this place. Adoption is about parents desiring children and delighting in those children just as Christ desires us and delights in us – and even when we fail to love back!
God bless! Your blog is a ministry to me, you know. I get it about wanting to go back. (I guess it’s why we are going back.) We are so thankful for the opportunity. God bless you all!
Okay, as I sit in Ukraine, I admit – adoption is ADDICTING. To KNOW that something is SO on the heart of God and then be able to PARTICIPATE with Him! How cool is that! Love you a TON!
I absolutely love your blog! We are just beginning this wonderful journey into adoption in Ethiopia. Thank you for sharing your precious experiences with us!!
God Bless!